Through My Heart

 



 Maybe our souls were meant to dream as one
Temple on temple and heart next to heart
Silence to silence, two riders on the run,
Hand holding hand, not meant to come apart.

Two halves of same horizon, we sail across the sky:
Tempests within a silence and tides within a shoal
Colours that spell a lifetime and smiles within a cry
I wish the world could see right through your very soul

Stars in your eyes, like melted drops of rain
Meeting the golden rays of morning sun
I read through you the joys and all the pain
Of thousands words that haven't yet been spun.

We're Stream and River, drawing cores from depths
Where shapes and lines and colours play the part
Of songs unsung, undying love and strengths;
I wish the world could see you through my heart.

Yesterday I have been wrapping up a project very dear to my heart.
A project that I have spent my last 2 months working really hard on perfecting.
I don't intend to share publicly the portraits of the children that have thought me so much during this time.

But I would like to ask everyone to take a minute and consider this: how do you explain Autism and the Spectrum to someone that has never experienced it and doesn't understand it?
How do you educate the masses, changing ignorance through information? How do you make someone understand that the little kid throwing a tantrum at the mall is really not deserving that "naughty child" label so readily applied and that in reality some children have a huge sensory overload that they are just learning to deal with?
And how do you explain non-verbal autism to someone that has never been exposed to it? The longing to communicate with the others, as well as a parent's longing to hear their child talking?

Today, I chose to do it through a poem and an image. In writing this poem, I was inspired by a dear friend and the  amazing, loving connection she has with her son.

About the Inner Child, The Lost Child and the Child Who Lost His Way

 

- “Mummy, you have 3 kids: me, G and Daddy!”
I love the way she said it, with that cute little crinkled nose and a big mischievous grin on her face. She doesn't know it. But she is right. Not only about Daddy's lovely, warm nature, who loves nothing more than playing with his little ones. No matter how tired he is, his inner child comes out, and he invents the most delightful games to keep them engaged and entertained.

I do have three children. I just didn't get to meet one.  It is just a small detail and it doesn't make him or her less important. There is no day that I won't think - even if only for a few seconds about how life would have been, together with all our children. Trying to give him or her a face. My inner child desperately longing to connect with the lost one. I never really had a chance to grieve properly, as it happened very fast and we only found out about it too late. And - after a miscarriage (especially a very early one) - there are no worst words that a mother can hear than "it wasn't yet a child, yet, you know? It wasn't a real child yet". To me, it was.
A grain of life has chosen to take shelter within me for a fleeting moment and then it went away.

That is a reality that many women confront nowadays  -some, more than once, unfortunately. The worst part is that it happens mirrored by silence; most dialogues are muted. It all becomes a heartbreaking monologue, made out of rhetoric questions and dreams that didn't hold their promise.
Back in the day, I didn't really understand why people avoid taking about it. But recently, on couple of occasions I found myself on the other side, with not too many wise words to console fellow mothers who needed sympathy and understanding at a very trying time. I remember being horrified by the thought that I might have become insensitive to someone else's grief. But then I realized it wasn't that. No one is deliberately insensitive in such moments. It's just hard finding the right words at the right time and I tend to put my foot in my mouth most  always, without meaning to do so.

And maybe if we as a society start taking down the walls and actually talk about the things that really matter to us - good and bad, happy or sad, maybe solitude and isolation won't hurt so much. It's actually baffling to me, how on these times of high technological progress, where we can reach easier to each other  - even across continents - we still end up alone and isolated when we need the support most. Sometimes it's also a process of self-containment; we keep to ourselves and take the time to process the events and how to deal with it. We are all unique individuals and see life through different glasses. What works for me won't necessarily be good for you. Or the other way around. But it's very important to remember that one is never alone and one never has to do it on their own.  Luckily, there are some wonderful grieving support groups out there who will know how to guide you. And if you don't feel like joining one, remember you are part of an unspoken sisterhood. Every one of us, having been in those shoes, will understand how you feel, no matter how clumsy we might get when words escape us. "I understand" are two simple words but together they form a very strong sentence, which said at the right time, may mean the world to someone.
October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and usually around this time of year I get a bit melancholic, thinking of my lost little one. But I am also grateful for the happiness I get every single day, from the two special little people in my life.

And I am also starting to understand other types of grief and loss. Like when you lose a child to a concept/idea/religion without physically loosing that child. Seeing their choices ruining their life before it even started. Or when that child pays the ultimate price in order to carry on a plan that wasn't his in the first place. I cannot even fathom what a mother might feel in those moments. But because it happened in October, I will briefly talk about it.
15 is an age when great ideas take flight, when the inner child is still very much there, getting ready for conquering ideals and laying up plans for the future. 15 is an age of insecurities about dating and about exams, not an age when one should carry a gun and actively going out there to take out lives.
As a mother, my heart goes out to his mother. Not judging her. Just giving her a virtual hug, at her darkest hour.

Love is Love

Small update on 27.06.2015: 

Isn't it amazing that #LoveWins? As it always should. #Australia, you can do it too! The fact that USA has recognised the #MarriageEquality is a great step towards a better tomorrow. Now we need to work on attitudes, too. Just like racism, homophobia will not disappear over night. Even if it is illegal to discriminate, some people out there are and will still be doing it. Hopefully the stereotypes will start fading and one way to ensure that this will happen is to start telling our children that is is ok to love who you want. That it is doesn't matter who you are, what your preferences, your religion or race are. The only thing that should matter is whether you are a good person. I am reposting on all social media my #photstory on #MarriageEquality rally in #Canberra because I think it is more important than ever. Please help spreading the love. Share away, my friends.

Today, I came across the #marriageequality rally by chance, as I happened to be in the city with my camera. And I am grateful for being there, for witnessing two powerful messages. 

Firstly, seeing so many children involved, gives me hope for a better tomorrow. For a world where humanity, common sense, compassion and love will reign, if we all try to bring up our kids without projecting on them our own vision of the world. Seriously, try listening to the little people. Really listen to what they have to say, to their take on things. You will be amazed beyond words. 

I also really enjoyed Shane Rattenbury's message. Very powerful and delivered with his heart. You know what? I am #proudtobecanberran too. 

I  am an European "transplant" but after such a long time being here, I consider myself very close to a true blue local for the simple fact that I know lots of little nooks that no one else does. Canberra for me was pretty much love at first sight. And something tells me it would stay that way for an eternity and a half. 

I am going to leave these images here- they speak for themselves. My camera was merely a witness, documenting a moment that we might remember in years to come as the beginning of equality. I am going to say just this: I think it is pretty awesome that politicians here can be openly gay, live with their partners, even have children together and that this will not ruin their political career. Show me any other country where this is happening. So why then, holding back and denying gay couple the right to be legally acknowledged as a family? #loveislove. On my agenda, it only matters if you are a good person. I don't care what religion you choose to follow, what race you are or what happens in your bedroom. Everyone is free to make their choices. As long as you are in a happy, loving and mutually respectful relationship, it shouldn't matter to anyone else who your partner is. Or their gender. 

I know quite a few married couples who have long lost any connection with each other but choose to stay together for the kids, for convenience or for keeping up the appearances. Why are they more entitled to a legal bind than a same-sex couple is? 

On the other hand, I have quite a few friends in a same-sex relationship and I am always amazed by the way they manage to keep "that sparkle" going, by the gentleness, deep respect and love they always have for each other. I think it's only right they get the same legal recognition, same legal rights. I find it extremely unsettling that countries like Ireland and Mexico (who are renowned for their Catholic direction) found it fit to legalise same sex marriage, while Australia, whom I always considered progressive, modern and forward, is still somewhat rejecting the idea. Love always comes from the heart. The rest is just details. So my friends, today and always, #teamequal definitely has my #freevote. Upon leaving the place, I couldn't help but notice that even Mother Nature rallied to the cause, projecting a beautiful rainbow where was least expected.

If you liked this story, please feel free to share it. If you are in these pics, please contact me for your free copies. If you are a parent of these children, you have my deepest respect.

 

Behind the Smiles

We live at a fast pace, in a highly developed, technological era. Surrounded by our gadgets, we sometimes tend to blatantly overlook life. We pass each other hurriedly, throwing a smile as a salute when we don’t have the time to stop.
Smile has become the conventional answer in each and every situation. And by the way we read that smile; we tend to label, generalize and judge a second too quickly. But next time you ask someone “how are you”; you’d better have your listening ears on. ‘Coz you might be surprised of what you’ll find.
And you might want to know what really lies behind the smiles.

We are all learning to deal with our own emotions. Sometimes we’re clumsy; sometimes we’re doing just great. But what it really takes is a helping hand and a listening ear to get someone through their darkest times. Most of the times we won’t even be aware of the life line we might have just thrown to a person starved for kindness.
Recently my attention was drawn towards two unrelated articles. One about women sacrificing their careers and becoming stay at home mums and the other one about domestic violence, particularly a story about a mother of three living in fear.
These are two unrelated stories but something clicked: a scenario containing both these facts together spells doom for any woman.
Most people shrug it off with questions like "why doesn't she leave?" or "there is always a choice". Except that it is not as easy as it seems.

The fact that a man thinks he owns a woman entirely is pathetic.
The moment a woman comes to actually believe that, is terrifying. You see, abuse starts very subversively. At first, there are words planted there to inflict the self -doubting. Belittling. Playing mind games. Making even the strongest woman think that she is worth nothing. It starts with casual words that mean nothing. Then open criticism: the way she dresses, the way she talks, the way she acts... And then it escalates. The first blow comes as a huge surprise and it will change her world forever. Not only because the betrayal, but also because she will never know when to expect the next one. And it is ALWAYS her fault, as he will look for reasons to justify his temper outbursts.

It is very hard to accept it, but if we are to be open about it, let's start by admitting that it can happen to everyone. It is a general misconception that domestic violence happens only in low socio-economical mediums. So let me repeat that: it can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter how educated or how accomplished one is.

Statistics are painting a very unsettling image of our current living: 1 in 3 Australian women have experienced physical violence. 1 in 4 Australian women experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner. 1 in 6 women have experienced physical or sexual violence by a current or former partner. 1 in 5 Australian women has experienced sexual violence. 

It is less known that men are also victims of domestic violence.
75 males were killed in domestic homicide incidents between 2008-10. This equates to one death every 10 days.
Last year, Dame Quentin Bryce has chaired a taskforce which produced the Not Now, Not ever report for the Queensland State Government. And the findings are not good news: about one in three women experience physical violence, and almost every week in Australia a woman is killed by her former or current partner. In Queensland alone, every day there are 180 cases of family violence reported to police. In New South Wales, nearly half of the state's murders are related to domestic violence. According to Canberra Times, in the ACT, police attend reports of family violence on average nine times a day.
 

Far too often now we see in the news snippets of this disturbing reality. This year, about 30 women have been killed - some of them by the hand of the man they loved. Couple of them right here, in Canberra. This is certainly not the world I want my kids to grow up into. 

Things become complicated when children are involved and going back to the news stories I was talking about, usually mothers are the ones feeling trapped.
Imagine being out of a job for quite a few years. No income, no savings, no job outlook in the overwhelming reality of thousands of public servants being laid off (therefore higher unemployment rate), low economic growth, higher inflation rates and the list could continue. Imagine having one or more little ones depending on you for a roof, food and safety. What will you do?
The first step is the hardest; accepting that you need help to get out of an unsafe situation. But where would you go, if the very services meant to help are already functioning at over capacity?

And when they choose to stay with a violent partner, how long will they last? And what about the children? Often, they are just overlooked collaterals in the statistics. They too suffer the wrath of an abusive parent and witness a dysfunctional relationship, which they grow up thinking that perhaps it is the norm. How will this affect them on a long term? Will they be the next generation of victims and/or perpetrators?
Every Child has the right to a safe space, a place where they belong, feel safe and loved; yet too many women with children are turned away from emergency shelters due to lack of available space and funds. 

So next time you smile in your daily dealings, stop labelling and try to extend that salute further with a “hello and how are you?” Sometimes it’s all that’s needed to find out where you have been wrong.
The woman you pegged as uptight may just be learning to deal with grief, as she just lost someone dear. The little child you may think as obnoxious comes from a dysfunctional family where he was witnessing his mother being abused on daily basis and he does not know how to fit his own emotions. That man with a great heart and a smile as big as the sun has learned to admit to himself he has been in an abusive relation for too long. These are just a few of the stories I have recently learned, by simply saying hello.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say "No" to Violence

This article by Canberra Times, as well as the past couple of weeks where 5 women lost their life due to domestic violence should serve as a big wake up call. No woman, man or child should live in fear and incertitude, not knowing where the next blow comes from.

I am starting an anti-violence campaign in the near future so here is a call for brave Canberran people who would like to volunteer as models for a few concept shoots. I will post a proper brief later, but here are a few details: it is going to be a very emotional and maybe raw campaign but I would like to suggest things through images, rather than go for the graphic visual details. Due to the fact that this is a very sensitive issues, I understand the reluctance to take part in this. However, the brief will be for low key black and white images, faces only suggested or partially obscured to make the model unrecognisable. I will also put a disclaimer on each photo, that models have been used to reenact a scenario. Any takers? Please contact me. 
http://m.canberratimes.com.au/act-news/mother-of-three-calls-for-stronger-measures-to-protect-victims-of-domestic-violence-20150405-1m6mv2.html

Love

(C) Erin Ballenger, 5yo

I am not a very religious person. But I believe in God and in Love.

I believe there is some governing force; whatever we like to call it. 

Whether it's shifting particles or divine intervention, we all have different names  for it: Serendipity. Synchronicity. Destiny. Some people believe in Coincidence and some believe in God Almighty. 

Heck, even Newton was a Man of Science yet a Man of God who strongly believed that the Universe could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful being. But, whatever you believe in, tonight just take a step back. Inhale, and think about Love. 

I sometimes feel that the true meaning of Christmas is long lost, amidst the daily grind, the lengthy or speedy trips to the shops and amidst the amalgam of subliminal messages in the masterfully orchestrated adds, meant to convince you that you need more of everything. 

So walk away from all that, for a minute.  And tonight, find Love in your hearts. All kinds of love - you choose what defines you. The world would be a much better place if all of us could do that for a moment. Love and empathy should come naturally and this is what defines us a superior species.

I had the best proof of that today, when my 5yo was decorating envelopes for Christmas. Out of all possible designs she could have done, she chose LOVE, all by herself.

 

Too Many Violins and no Cello

I am still trying to wrap my head around this mad year. 2014 has indeed been a challenging year in many ways and much as I try understanding some of the events, it just seems that madness takes over us slowly, creeping in. On a global scale, a lot has happened: the breath taking, the unthinkable and the spectacular, the saddening and the uplifting. The horrifying, the happy-ending and the hope-bringing. Not necessarily in this order.

The trouble with the world is that we all want to do the talking. No one wants to listen anymore. And if you say this, I say that,  and then you again, then me again... But sometimes, the dialogue gets distorted, sometimes it seems we just wait (im)patiently for our turn to talk again and the other person's message gets lost. We fail to recognise the silent cries for help. We fail to recognise desperation. We witness abuse without even realising so. We loose connection within community, as well as with our innermost dreams. We dream big, but we forget to find wonder in all the small things. 

It's like the world has turned into one big orchestra, where everyone is a violin wanting to play the solo part. And it all results in discordance. Most of the time, there is no cello to punctuate the rhythm. Or the direction. 

Playing cello requires strength and skill that most of us don't master. It is one of the most critical instruments for orchestral music, as it provides part of the harmony. 

We need this harmony, to exist as a nation. And as a species. We need determined people, strong enough to tackle being the cello: we need leaders. So find your voices. Speak up, but don't forget to listen to the weaker ones. Together we can build the song. The harmony. 

Speak Up! A different Christmas Message.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the second time this week, I found myself in tears while nursing my two years old. He is too young to understand emotions, but surprisingly, he does. He went to sleep in my arms, his little hand caressing my cheek, while I was trying to make some sense of this terrible tragedy in Cairns. But how can anyone understand the incomprehensible?  As a mother, I hurt for those 8 children who never stood a chance for that fair go that we are all accustomed to talk about. And also as a mother of two, the only thing that I can understand is that something must have been gone terrible wrong, for a loving mother to end 8 little lives like that. 

 

I find that there is a new taboo word amongst mothers - no one wants to admit or talk about the isolation that can result from rearing children. Sometimes you can easily get cut off from your dreams, life style, aspirations and whatever else made you YOU, prior to having children. Sometimes it is hard to keep a healthy balance between being a mother and being a person. Sometimes one might get depressed without any soul in the world noticing. And without the right support, it is easy to fall through the cracks.

 

Now, as an ex journalist, I am getting extremely disappointed with the way the sensational gets in the way of humane in all press reports. So I am not going to get into all that debate about drugs, drinking, race, social status, dole, dysfunctional, etc. in a way or another we are all dysfunctional at certain times in life. 

But as a mother and as a person, I can only wonder about support. And about depression. Let's stop speculating over the sensational for a minute. We don't know her story or her path through life. Whether she had food for her children or enough money. Whether she had the support she needed and when she needed it. Life with so many children cannot be easy at all. Without approving her, I just want to say: It's easy for anyone to snap at a point. What sort of help did this lady and her family have? And did she reach to anyone? And if she did, did they notice? Or did they let it pass unobserved? So many questions that will remain unanswered. And yet another tragedy that might have been avoided if people were connected more to each other. It is disconcerting, this paradox: the more connected on all the social media we feel, the more disconnected from real life we become. 

 

I think there is a very strong meaning that we all have to draw from Murray Street, as well as from Sydney siege: this is the time we all have to reach to each other. It is all well and good to take flowers and toys in the aftermath, but how can that help the ones that are no longer here? It is great to pay our respects to the victims and it is amazing to see how we all become one, as a nation. But we have to take one more step. To the ones that feel strong enough, please stop and ask the others "Are you ok?" And when we do, we should fully listen what they have to say. Not just half listening, not peeping at our phones, not just waiting for our turn to speak. And you might be surprised by the multitude of stories out there. 

 

To the ones feeling weak at times: stop and ask for assistance before you reach the snapping point. There is help at hand and there is nothing wrong with admitting when one feels overwhelmed. The acceptance that being a mother equals long overhaul, nurse, accountant, financial planner, entertainment director, executive housekeeper, executive chef, nanny and perfect lover is well and truly ridiculous. Yes, we are all a One-woman orchestra and most of the times we are self sufficient and proud of it. But there are times when we are also vulnerable, lost and miserable. And we should talk more about those times, instead of braving it out or pretend it doesn't happen. 

 

Amidst the odd jobs and all shenanigans involved when bringing up two great kids, I have spent this year doing a lot of soul searching, doing more of the two things that define me. On one hand, I tried to get back to writing so I did a lot of reading - good books, bad books, mediocre...I read all I could during the long nights when my 2yo wanted me to incessantly hold him and let him sleep on my chest. 

Secondly, I took the dust off my camera and started photography again, as a way of documenting and conveying to the others the life in our little corner of the world. 

I kept focusing on these things for two reasons: because I needed to be reminded of a world I have forgotten - a world of word crafting, of synaesthesia- where words and images melt together and freeze a moment in time. And also because at times, it felt more comfortable to take refuge in something familiar and comforting, rather than confront the realities of the mad world we live in. And 2014 was a mad year, indeed. 

 

I realise now that it was the wrong approach, the ostrich one. Putting my head in the sand and pretending things don't happen won't chance the course of action. But voicing out some concerns, might. My "voice" is little - I have 2 followers on this blog. But maybe if we rally together, something good will come out of it. I am proud of how Australians reacted with a sea of flowers after the Sydney siege. Or how they took flowers and teddies to Murray Street. But this also makes me wonder about proximity and the way we report ourselves to tragedy. Take for instance all the children casualties and all the displaced children in Syria. Who is going to find closure for them? No one even knows exactly how many of them are affected by this ongoing war. They made the headlines for a few days and that was all. I truly hope this will not be the case for the Murray Street inhabitants. They need support, unconditional love and reassurance. What happened there was tragic. But it is also a chance for the others. This tragedy has hopefully shed some light on the life style, difficulties and misconceptions there. It is now up to us all to make sense of it and try to help. How, that is a totally new question. 

 

I often get in trouble with my family for speaking out against violence, for trying to help when I pass by random altercations in the street/ bus station or for not exercising a better risk assessment when I decide to help in these situations. One of the question I get is "what if something happens to you; don't you think about your children?" The thing is, I do. That's the trouble, I think about my children all the time. Is this the world I want them to live in? Is this the person I want them to be? Are these the people they will mix with? And if they do, will it benefit or damage them? But the question that troubles me more is: what will they say about us and our generation when they grow up. When time comes and they learn about history and social unrest in our times, won't they consider us cowards or hypocrites for not saying anything? Won't they be ashamed that we haven't even tried help to change things? 

I am not good at New Year resolutions but if I were to make one for 2015 it would be this: to try and pay more attention to people around me. Extend a friendship or just a good word - sometimes that's all people need. I cannot help but wonder, if that poor woman in Cairns had some able support, would she still be in the same circumstances today?

 

So I will stop, observe more, listen more, help more, smile more and spread the friendships and the laughter further. We all need a good laugh every now and then, to recover from things that otherwise are not easy to comprehend or to understand. 

So here is to you, my friends and family from all the cardinal points, I send you Love and I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I wish you that Santa brings you everything you need. Not what you want, just what you need. 

 

 

 

Peace!

15 December 2014: the world will never be the same and we will never take things for granted ever again.  I was holding my 2yo this morning, as he wanted a cuddle and went to sleep. It’s a weird feeling, to hold your little one in your arms and enjoy his peaceful nap. Yet tears were streaming down my cheeks, thinking of all the families whose Christmases will never be the same.

There is nothing I can do, as an individual, about the #sidneysiege and its outcome. But we are one. And we are many. And in true Australian spirit, this should bring us together and now it’s the time to make our voices heard. There are two things we can do, to not let these lunatics win. 

 Firstly, let’s start looking into our hearts. Do not let hatred darken your better judgement. Do not  mix all Muslims in a pot and do not hate people because of their religion. They are just regular people, like me and you, working hard for a better life and to give their kids a better education. I am very proud to personally know a few and honoured to count them as friends.  My GP is Muslim and I would trust his decisions with my life. What happened yesterday is the work of deranged minds using religion as a justification for their acts. True Muslims are kind, caring and very considerate.

The other important thing we need to do is – don’t let them win! Don’t let the fear grow in your hearts. I do not support any politician in particular but yesterday I couldn’t agree more with our PM . We should go about our business as usual, we should carry on with our lives and that is what I intend to do. Especially now, I feel that the world needs more beauty. We all need to take a step back, inhale and be reminded that there is still goodness, beauty and faith in this world. A lot of it. I do not have the power to change things per se, but I can share some beauty from the only place I know I can find peace. My beloved Grasslands, the home of many species who live together in peace.