Through My Heart

 



 Maybe our souls were meant to dream as one
Temple on temple and heart next to heart
Silence to silence, two riders on the run,
Hand holding hand, not meant to come apart.

Two halves of same horizon, we sail across the sky:
Tempests within a silence and tides within a shoal
Colours that spell a lifetime and smiles within a cry
I wish the world could see right through your very soul

Stars in your eyes, like melted drops of rain
Meeting the golden rays of morning sun
I read through you the joys and all the pain
Of thousands words that haven't yet been spun.

We're Stream and River, drawing cores from depths
Where shapes and lines and colours play the part
Of songs unsung, undying love and strengths;
I wish the world could see you through my heart.

Yesterday I have been wrapping up a project very dear to my heart.
A project that I have spent my last 2 months working really hard on perfecting.
I don't intend to share publicly the portraits of the children that have thought me so much during this time.

But I would like to ask everyone to take a minute and consider this: how do you explain Autism and the Spectrum to someone that has never experienced it and doesn't understand it?
How do you educate the masses, changing ignorance through information? How do you make someone understand that the little kid throwing a tantrum at the mall is really not deserving that "naughty child" label so readily applied and that in reality some children have a huge sensory overload that they are just learning to deal with?
And how do you explain non-verbal autism to someone that has never been exposed to it? The longing to communicate with the others, as well as a parent's longing to hear their child talking?

Today, I chose to do it through a poem and an image. In writing this poem, I was inspired by a dear friend and the  amazing, loving connection she has with her son.

A Hat of Many Dreams

You meet someone in the crowd wearing same hat. Who wears it best, you wonder? And you might even alternate a couple of hats, depending on mood, style or season.
But what happens when a hat "wears" the persons?
This is not so much of a human portraits series but more of a hat portrait. It is an invitation to dream: what is inspiring you? How do you see yourself when you are wearing the "hat of many dreams?"
Nowadays everyone is a story teller; in the rush for sensational, we tend to forget that ordinary people make the best stories. This is my favourite hat ever. I started this series with my own family and our innermost self-projections but I intend to extend the project, take my hat around, ask people about their dreams, get their eyes off their phones and uncover their stories. Ultimately, this is about connecting with each other; a tale of individuals and of identity.

If you are interested to have your portrait taken in this series, please contact me.

Update: "A Hat of Many Dreams" has now taken off and it has its own home. You can read all the stories by clicking Here. 

About the Inner Child, The Lost Child and the Child Who Lost His Way

 

- “Mummy, you have 3 kids: me, G and Daddy!”
I love the way she said it, with that cute little crinkled nose and a big mischievous grin on her face. She doesn't know it. But she is right. Not only about Daddy's lovely, warm nature, who loves nothing more than playing with his little ones. No matter how tired he is, his inner child comes out, and he invents the most delightful games to keep them engaged and entertained.

I do have three children. I just didn't get to meet one.  It is just a small detail and it doesn't make him or her less important. There is no day that I won't think - even if only for a few seconds about how life would have been, together with all our children. Trying to give him or her a face. My inner child desperately longing to connect with the lost one. I never really had a chance to grieve properly, as it happened very fast and we only found out about it too late. And - after a miscarriage (especially a very early one) - there are no worst words that a mother can hear than "it wasn't yet a child, yet, you know? It wasn't a real child yet". To me, it was.
A grain of life has chosen to take shelter within me for a fleeting moment and then it went away.

That is a reality that many women confront nowadays  -some, more than once, unfortunately. The worst part is that it happens mirrored by silence; most dialogues are muted. It all becomes a heartbreaking monologue, made out of rhetoric questions and dreams that didn't hold their promise.
Back in the day, I didn't really understand why people avoid taking about it. But recently, on couple of occasions I found myself on the other side, with not too many wise words to console fellow mothers who needed sympathy and understanding at a very trying time. I remember being horrified by the thought that I might have become insensitive to someone else's grief. But then I realized it wasn't that. No one is deliberately insensitive in such moments. It's just hard finding the right words at the right time and I tend to put my foot in my mouth most  always, without meaning to do so.

And maybe if we as a society start taking down the walls and actually talk about the things that really matter to us - good and bad, happy or sad, maybe solitude and isolation won't hurt so much. It's actually baffling to me, how on these times of high technological progress, where we can reach easier to each other  - even across continents - we still end up alone and isolated when we need the support most. Sometimes it's also a process of self-containment; we keep to ourselves and take the time to process the events and how to deal with it. We are all unique individuals and see life through different glasses. What works for me won't necessarily be good for you. Or the other way around. But it's very important to remember that one is never alone and one never has to do it on their own.  Luckily, there are some wonderful grieving support groups out there who will know how to guide you. And if you don't feel like joining one, remember you are part of an unspoken sisterhood. Every one of us, having been in those shoes, will understand how you feel, no matter how clumsy we might get when words escape us. "I understand" are two simple words but together they form a very strong sentence, which said at the right time, may mean the world to someone.
October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and usually around this time of year I get a bit melancholic, thinking of my lost little one. But I am also grateful for the happiness I get every single day, from the two special little people in my life.

And I am also starting to understand other types of grief and loss. Like when you lose a child to a concept/idea/religion without physically loosing that child. Seeing their choices ruining their life before it even started. Or when that child pays the ultimate price in order to carry on a plan that wasn't his in the first place. I cannot even fathom what a mother might feel in those moments. But because it happened in October, I will briefly talk about it.
15 is an age when great ideas take flight, when the inner child is still very much there, getting ready for conquering ideals and laying up plans for the future. 15 is an age of insecurities about dating and about exams, not an age when one should carry a gun and actively going out there to take out lives.
As a mother, my heart goes out to his mother. Not judging her. Just giving her a virtual hug, at her darkest hour.

Behind the Smiles

We live at a fast pace, in a highly developed, technological era. Surrounded by our gadgets, we sometimes tend to blatantly overlook life. We pass each other hurriedly, throwing a smile as a salute when we don’t have the time to stop.
Smile has become the conventional answer in each and every situation. And by the way we read that smile; we tend to label, generalize and judge a second too quickly. But next time you ask someone “how are you”; you’d better have your listening ears on. ‘Coz you might be surprised of what you’ll find.
And you might want to know what really lies behind the smiles.

We are all learning to deal with our own emotions. Sometimes we’re clumsy; sometimes we’re doing just great. But what it really takes is a helping hand and a listening ear to get someone through their darkest times. Most of the times we won’t even be aware of the life line we might have just thrown to a person starved for kindness.
Recently my attention was drawn towards two unrelated articles. One about women sacrificing their careers and becoming stay at home mums and the other one about domestic violence, particularly a story about a mother of three living in fear.
These are two unrelated stories but something clicked: a scenario containing both these facts together spells doom for any woman.
Most people shrug it off with questions like "why doesn't she leave?" or "there is always a choice". Except that it is not as easy as it seems.

The fact that a man thinks he owns a woman entirely is pathetic.
The moment a woman comes to actually believe that, is terrifying. You see, abuse starts very subversively. At first, there are words planted there to inflict the self -doubting. Belittling. Playing mind games. Making even the strongest woman think that she is worth nothing. It starts with casual words that mean nothing. Then open criticism: the way she dresses, the way she talks, the way she acts... And then it escalates. The first blow comes as a huge surprise and it will change her world forever. Not only because the betrayal, but also because she will never know when to expect the next one. And it is ALWAYS her fault, as he will look for reasons to justify his temper outbursts.

It is very hard to accept it, but if we are to be open about it, let's start by admitting that it can happen to everyone. It is a general misconception that domestic violence happens only in low socio-economical mediums. So let me repeat that: it can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter how educated or how accomplished one is.

Statistics are painting a very unsettling image of our current living: 1 in 3 Australian women have experienced physical violence. 1 in 4 Australian women experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner. 1 in 6 women have experienced physical or sexual violence by a current or former partner. 1 in 5 Australian women has experienced sexual violence. 

It is less known that men are also victims of domestic violence.
75 males were killed in domestic homicide incidents between 2008-10. This equates to one death every 10 days.
Last year, Dame Quentin Bryce has chaired a taskforce which produced the Not Now, Not ever report for the Queensland State Government. And the findings are not good news: about one in three women experience physical violence, and almost every week in Australia a woman is killed by her former or current partner. In Queensland alone, every day there are 180 cases of family violence reported to police. In New South Wales, nearly half of the state's murders are related to domestic violence. According to Canberra Times, in the ACT, police attend reports of family violence on average nine times a day.
 

Far too often now we see in the news snippets of this disturbing reality. This year, about 30 women have been killed - some of them by the hand of the man they loved. Couple of them right here, in Canberra. This is certainly not the world I want my kids to grow up into. 

Things become complicated when children are involved and going back to the news stories I was talking about, usually mothers are the ones feeling trapped.
Imagine being out of a job for quite a few years. No income, no savings, no job outlook in the overwhelming reality of thousands of public servants being laid off (therefore higher unemployment rate), low economic growth, higher inflation rates and the list could continue. Imagine having one or more little ones depending on you for a roof, food and safety. What will you do?
The first step is the hardest; accepting that you need help to get out of an unsafe situation. But where would you go, if the very services meant to help are already functioning at over capacity?

And when they choose to stay with a violent partner, how long will they last? And what about the children? Often, they are just overlooked collaterals in the statistics. They too suffer the wrath of an abusive parent and witness a dysfunctional relationship, which they grow up thinking that perhaps it is the norm. How will this affect them on a long term? Will they be the next generation of victims and/or perpetrators?
Every Child has the right to a safe space, a place where they belong, feel safe and loved; yet too many women with children are turned away from emergency shelters due to lack of available space and funds. 

So next time you smile in your daily dealings, stop labelling and try to extend that salute further with a “hello and how are you?” Sometimes it’s all that’s needed to find out where you have been wrong.
The woman you pegged as uptight may just be learning to deal with grief, as she just lost someone dear. The little child you may think as obnoxious comes from a dysfunctional family where he was witnessing his mother being abused on daily basis and he does not know how to fit his own emotions. That man with a great heart and a smile as big as the sun has learned to admit to himself he has been in an abusive relation for too long. These are just a few of the stories I have recently learned, by simply saying hello.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rediscovering Autumn

The Sun has been playing hide 'n seek lately and while we were looking for warmth, we rediscovered our garden today. I have forgotten how beautiful the Autumns are here... What a whole explosion of colours - a world made of rainbows, ready to be discovered by two little spirited children. Maybe I should show you  the "behind the scene" photos too.

Of faeries, past and future hopes

The other day I have done a very difficult photo shoot. It was done during mid day and it brought quite a few challenges.  
Sometimes I have to re-think the ways of expressing myself and this is where I find that the digital workflow is very different. This was a very difficult photo shoot, for many reasons: the very harsh light at 3pm, constantly moving/fidgeting little subjects, unknown location - just to name a few.
Little children are delightful and I love photograph them - it brings me a greater satisfaction when I do a good job, knowing how hard it was following them around and capturing their joy  and their unique sense of wonder.
I didn't think I will be able to pull it off but sometimes you have to work with what you have and forget ideal conditions such as perfect light. However, when it comes to perfect subjects and perfect setting - these little kids and their beautiful home have absolutely exceeded my expectations.
My photos aren't technically perfect but they exude of the childhood happiness that we once knew ourselves, when we had a turn at being the little fairies and elves. I hope you enjoy it and that it brings you happy memories.